We\u2019re not in Kansas anymore. And we’re certainly not in 2010 anymore.<\/p>\n
The world has changed and so has our preferred method of communicating. Face to face communication, or even verbal for that matter, has been de-prioritised in favour of written correspondence \u2013 emails, texts or messages via LinkedIn, Facebook or Instagram. Heck, even chats using images is now a thing (fully aware I\u2019m showing my age). But this change has manifested the tendency to rely on or hide behind these little blocks of letters in the comfort of our current environment, conveniently avoiding the confrontation and going about our business without further thought.<\/p>\n
\u200b<\/p>\n
With our apparent diminished ability to communicate in person (directly or verbally) and fully absorb the ever-important non-verbal cues, we seem to also have misplaced our backbone. Our moral compass. Our integrity. Our innate ability to deliver news via direct communication channels. And in doing so our preparedness to advise of bad news, changed plans, circumstances or just the simple management of expectations has diminished also. This in some ways is a follow on from my earlier \u2018Ghosting\u2019 posts (see\u00a0 Part 1 <\/a> \u00a0and\u00a0 Part 2 <\/a> ) but the tendencies to avoid the communication altogether are becoming far too common. In most cases it\u2019s an apparent reluctance to provide the bad news or let someone down. And yes, my field of work likely means I\u2019m predisposed to this on a more regular basis but I\u2019ve been observing it outside of work too and the same trend appears.<\/p>\n For some this may not be relevant or even an issue (congratulations) but for others, I sympathise and having overcome this hundreds of times in the past, here\u2019s a few helpful things I consider every time I need to deliver the message – be it a decline in some form, a last minute change of plans, not delivering on a promise or even the \u201cI\u2019m just not that into you\u201d.<\/p>\n I totally acknowledge that it\u2019s easier to communicate via text or email. But it\u2019s impersonal and purely \u2018verbal\u2019 meaning the non-verbal messages aren\u2019t being conveyed. I remember my parents telling me to always deliver bad news in person. Now granted, the globalisation of commerce and technology will likely make this challenging at times but in the absence of meeting in person, here\u2019s what I consider to be the acceptable order of delivery:<\/p>\n Now I absolutely recognise this is my opinion and the circumstances and\/or relationships may alter this slightly, but in the essence of the topic \u2013 confrontation and message delivery \u2013 the above will inevitably achieve the best result. I think deep down we all expect this of our fellow man but are guilty of defaulting our own behaviour to what is convenient.<\/p>\n This is important. We each have a soul and conscience, therefore it\u2019s important to let it show. Our objective is often delivering the message so it\u2019s \u2018off our plate\u2019 and one less thing to do. But what about the person receiving the message? How often do we put ourselves in the shoes of the recipient and understand what impact your message is going to have on them? In my line of work there\u2019s often a lot of preparation that goes into a meeting and a last-minute cancellation, via text message, hurts. Particularly when there\u2019s little to no regard for the time invested to date or a suggestion of a reschedule.<\/p>\n It\u2019s easy to get frustrated in the moment but over time I\u2019ve realised that it\u2019s the lack of empathy and consideration that I find the most aggravating, not the misspent time. I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve felt it too when you\u2019re really excited to meet someone and they\u2019re suddenly unable to make it but the only notification you get is a brief message with minimal explanation? You don\u2019t know what you\u2019re more deflated about \u2013 the fact or the message itself.<\/p>\n Too often we\u2019re so concerned with getting the message across we neglect the delivery itself and the impact it may have. As a way to overcome this I\u2019d had success by using the 3x A\u2019s \u2013 Acknowledge, Apologise and an Alternative.\u00a0 Acknowledge \u00a0how you think they might be feeling as this shows you\u2019re aware of the impact and despite this, have no other option. They might have invested a lot of time or cancelled other plans to meet with you so it\u2019s important to recognise this.<\/p>\n Of course,\u00a0 Apologise \u00a0for the position or situation your message has put them in and where possible, suggest an\u00a0 Alternative \u00a0by rescheduling or making other arrangements to follow through. You\u2019ll be surprised at the effect it can have.<\/p>\n It still very much is the best policy. We often want to shield the person from further disappointment or protect them in some way but often this does more harm than good. Or at the very least not have the same positive impact that honesty would. We feel the need to make up a good excuse or paint ourselves in a positive light rather than just being truthful. Can you think of a time you\u2019ve said \u201csomething\u2019s come up\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not feeling well\u201d to get out of an event when in actual fact you simply forgot, didn\u2019t manage your time well enough (very guilty) or are no longer interested simply because you\u2019re concerned for their feelings and\/or how you might be perceived? We\u2019ve all done it. Of course we have! But people respond better when you\u2019re being honest and transparent. And I\u2019m speaking from experience here.<\/p>\n Recruiters are regularly faced with the need to have confronting and challenging conversations and one frequent circumstance is providing feedback to candidates. We often try and protect their feelings, particularly following an unsuccessful interview by giving reasons that they\u2019re likely to see as out of their control eg: there was someone else with more experience. Whilst this is an easier conversation to have, it isn\u2019t arming them for their next interview nor creating a relationship of honesty and trust. As part of my personal development and commitment to candidates, I\u2019ve tasked myself to always provide precise and honest feedback even when somewhat unpleasant. And EVERY single time, it\u2019s been well received, and I\u2019ve been thanked for the honesty. I think these days it\u2019s far less common to be honest and upfront at our own consequence so perhaps that\u2019s why it\u2019s been so warmly welcomed. But regardless of the why, the reality is that it WAS looked upon favourably and I don\u2019t feel it\u2019s a coincidence.<\/p>\n Written messages remove the non-verbals so therefore we need to compensate. I challenge you to put yourself out of your comfort zone and address the above next time you need to deliver a message that may be somewhat unfavourable or unexpected. Sure, circumstances are always going to challenge this as a silver bullet all-encompassing approach, but from my widely applied, personal experience (consisting of many trials and errors) it\u2019s been a pleasantly surprising experiment to run. And for me, the results speak for themselves so it\u2019s well worth a try.<\/p>\nCommunication Hierarchy<\/h2>\n
Empathy<\/h2>\n
Honesty<\/h2>\n